Facing Fears, Head On and Head Strong

Fears are not something you just get over, every time you face them you have to tackle them again and again…and again.  When I was about 8 years old, I had a near drowning experience at the beach near my home in Southern California.  I was a good swimmer, had all my American Red Cross badges to prove it, loved the pool, and spent many hours during the summer diving for things my parents would throw into the bottom.  I loved it. 

But, the power of the ocean waves was different, very different.  I was out in a small raft with my mother and a large, curling wave pushed us over.  She reached for me; but couldn’t grab my hand.  I was at the ocean’s mercy for about 90 seconds underwater, with the power of the sea slamming my head against the bottom time and time again as I tumbled my way onto to the shore.  I was nearly knocked out and washed up literally coughing and throwing up water.  From that point on, I wouldn’t get near the ocean, a fast-moving river, or for that matter, water in which I couldn’t see the bottom.  Hot tubs, hot springs, and pools were about my speed – and I was sticking to that plan.

Then, I met Hutch (my wonderful husband of 17 years now) who was a varsity swimmer, kayaker, and lover of all things you can do in water.  The bigger the waves the better.  He even served as the Coordinator for Water-Based Outdoor Programs at the university where we used to work.   He always invited me to join in the fun with his students, but I inevitably declined offering instead to run shuttle.  No way was I going to huck myself down a river and hope to make it to the take out in one piece.   Even listening to river “carnage” stories turned my stomach.  I had to walk away when people started sharing stories of getting thrown from rafts, tumbling through rapids, and getting pinned underwater.  Why would you do a sport that puts you at a risk of drowning?  Don’t they know what that feels like? 

On my 40^th birthday, I looked myself in the mirror and said, “You need to kick this fear of water in the butt, and THIS is the year.”  It’s silly, I told myself, everyone around you loves tubing, kayaking and rafting and you live 1.5 miles from the famous New River and never get in it.  Keep in mind this fear was now 32 years old, well-ingrained, and it literally left me shaking even at the thought of getting in the water.  

Just a few weeks after my birthday, I got in a raft with some friends and colleagues and went down the Tuckaseegee River for a river clean up day sponsored by Western Carolina University.  I held on for dear life, I didn’t die, and amazingly I even had fun.  Later that summer, I learned to SCUBA dive in the gorgeous turquoise waters of the Republic of Vanuatu.  I had the BEST, most patient instructors ever and Hutch held my hand through it all.  Despite crying crocodile tears on the beach hours before I was supposed to do my first open water dive, I pushed myself forward and I got my certification.   I didn’t die…and I even saw incredible things including the largest green sea turtle – imagine a Volkswagen bug with flippers.  I learned that being underwater while breathing oxygen could be peaceful and soothing, much different than the chaos happening at the surface.  I even spent some time that summer on the New River near my home, in a raft with friends.  I was kicking this fear in the butt, experience by experience. 

Don’t get me wrong, each time I got near the water, my heart would race, my head would spin, and I’d feel like I was going to vomit.  It was what I imagine PTSD to be like.  But, I still went.  Again.  And, again.

Over the past 5.5 years, my husband and I have been traveling across America and parts of Canada in our lil’ adventure rig known as Hamlet.  In addition to a variety of land-based outdoor gear, we carry 3 kayaks with us.  I’ve challenged myself to sea kayak in the Everglades with alligators, in the frigid waters of the Maine coast, among the San Juan Islands of Washington, the islands of Voyaguers National Park in Minnesota, and the Apostles Islands of Lake Superior.  I even lived on a sailboat for 2 months in Lake Michigan, snorkeled in Kaua’i and the Dominican Republic, and spent a week rafting on the Green River in Utah.  I may never learn to surf or whitewater kayak, but that’s ok.  Every woman should be allowed to set her own boundaries, right?

Each and every time I get in the boat or in the water, I have to face my fear.  And it’s real.  Very real.  Sometimes it’s just hovering at the surface as a gentle reminder and sometimes it’s got my stomach in knots.  Sometimes I need my hand held a bit and sometimes I cry.  Each and every time though, I gain more confidence in my abilities.  Each time I chip away at that big wall of fear which used to keep me out of the water.  Each time l learn new skills that I can apply to other parts of my life.  Each time I discover more about myself and natural environment I’ve allowed myself to enjoy.  Each time, I face my lifetime of fear… and I go.

#stillshegoes and The Dyrt celebrate International Women's Day (March 8th) and all the amazing women who, despite their fears, get outside and make it happen!